I love it, and I love the way he coloured in the upright figure.
In the days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a drooling, hunchbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, foul-smelling, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events, won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…”
Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor he was a fraud.”
Remember 89-year-old Henry?
So he meets his old friend Arnie every Tuesday morning for coffee and a Danish. They are drinking their coffee when Arnie looks at Henry and says “Henry, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
“What?”
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear!” says Arnie a bit louder.
“Oh, dang!” says Henry touching his ear, “You’re right, Arnie! Wait! That means … my hearing aid… is…”
Better known as the House of Commons.
This was in Northampton, I think; the company was actually obliged to change the slogan.
There used to be a Sofa King on Battersea Rise heading towards Putney Bridge that had the line “Our prices are Sofa King low” in the window.
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”
One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”
Farmer Joe and Bessie
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, ‘I’m fine’, at the scene of the accident?” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for a long, drawn-out story,” the lawyer interrupted,“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.”
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’"
Henry [remember 89-year-old Henry?] goes to see a new doctor. They run lab tests, and a full physical exam.
Henry asks the doctor ‘So, do you think I will live to be 100?’
The doctor looks at Henry’s chart. ‘Hmmm…do you smoke tobacco?’
‘No!’
‘Drink alcohol?’
‘No!’
‘Do you eat steaks, or lobster regularly?’
‘No!’
‘Do you use drugs?’
‘No!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the sun? Like hiking, golfing, fishing, boating?’
‘No!’
‘Do you gamble at casinos, drive fast cars or carouse with younger women?’
‘Not any more!’
‘Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100?’
They’re big into scuba there…
I guess that 2 years of Duolingo is paying off - I’m starting to understand French language jokes on here now. 