Alan Bennett toning down Musk’s offensive tweets … Priceless 
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That’s because my friend’s mother was a Scot and she made it for us all.
Ghost stories are cheaper than laxatives.
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Guy goes into a pub with his dog and the barman says, sorry no dogs allowed in the bar. Thinking quickly the guy says, I’m blind and this is my guide dog. The barman looks at the Jack Russell on the end of the lead and says, "Do you think im stupid, guide dogs are usually labradors or alsatians.
The guy asks, “What did they give me?”
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After a few beers Jack says to Tim, I need to go. The wife says the next time i go home in a state, she’s leaving me. Tim says one for the road then. The one leads to several and Jack, barely able to stand vomits down himself. Oh no Im done for, he says, she’ll leave me now for sure.
Tim says, tell her someone else vomited down you and take a twenty pound note out your top pocket and say the guy gave you twenty to get your suit cleaned.
When his wife sees him he says, wait wait wait. A man vomited down me but he gave me £20 pounds to get my suit cleaned. His wife says but you’ve got two £20 pound notes. He said yes, the man who shat in my pants gave me the other one.
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…absent.
Apologies, I was responding to Ancient Mariner.
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A bear was settling down to hibernate in his cave when there was a knock at the door. He angrily swung the door open to see a snail on the doorstep. “It’s very cold”, said the snail. “Can i come in?”
"“No you can’t.”, said the bear as he kicked the snail down the mountain side.
Four months later another knock awoke the bear prematurely from his slumber.
Again, he swung the door open to see the snail who asked, “What did you do that for?”
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Unfortunately, this might well be true for your mate.
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My father found the English language funny with it’s silent letter ‘P’. He would talk about the silent P, as in bath.
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That reminds me of the time i installed a velux in my bathroom ceiling. I certainly saw the chap in the flat above in a different light after that.
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