A friend recently died and her funeral is to be held at a crematorium. We are closer to her daughter (who is responsable for the church we are now part of).
Because of the circumstances, no offence is going to be taken if we commit an etiquette faux pas, but we’d like to get things as right as possible.
I assume that it wouldn’t be inappropriate for us to attend the funeral, given that our friend has given details in the church WhatsApp group?
What do people usually send, in the absence of the common UK “no flowers, donations to X” instruction? Flowers? A wreath? Donations anyway, having asked where (maybe that will be mentioned at the funeral)?
From my own experience with funerals civil/church/crematorium
they can and do vary… so just be prepared and go with the flow.
Your presence will be appreciated.
Dress normally/warmly/comfortably.
I never send flowers but I do always sign the “Book of Remembrance” (or whatever it’s called)… with a brief message
eg: Nos sincères condoléances (then it’s usually name, address)
often, at the entrance there is a basket for cards/letters/whatever
Often, during the ceremony, the congregation will have a chance to walk up and say a last goodbye at the coffin…
at this point, sometimes there is a basket in which one puts a “coin”… (some put 20 cents some put 1 euro… but it’s just symbolic. so have a coin of some sort handy just in case)
Watch what everyone else does… and you’ll be fine.
If the WhatsApp message says which funeral director then should be able to contact them to ask about flowers and (should you so wish) visiting them in funeral parlour before actual funeral.
We’ve had too many deaths in past couple of years and close friends we do get flowers, but everyone else we just go to the funeral, sign the book, and if there is a drink/tea afterwards for everyone we go to that too.
I have only visited one French friend… in the funeral parlour… and I decided it would be my last.
So, don’t feel you have to go…
and having resolved “never again” I was daft enough to go across the road and “say goodbye” to a neighbour who was presented at home… carefully (thankfully) chilled and sitting up in his own bed…
very, very odd and I wished I hadn’t accepted his wife’s kind offer to “come and say goodbye to him in person” …
That is especially poignant for me then, as you did send flowers for Fran, which, by the way, just by turning my head from where I sit now, I can see that 2 of the original 5 plants are still thriving and the others are closed down for the winter.
All our French neighbours brought flowers to the funeral and some English ones, who couldn’t attend at the short notice, placed a pot on the grave later. All the other English (and Antipodean ) that did attend did not bring flowers but they brought themselves which to me was equally welcome.
Dress was not formal but a tad above scruffy, which is good because just above scruffy was the best I could manage. Most of us went to the coffee shop afterwards where my friends there put on a way better than I expected spread of little sandwiches etc. They do not have a licence so I brought a bottle of port (permitted by the Maire) and shared it around.
If any of them felt guilty about anything, they were amply punished by having to listen to me blather on for a couple of minutes.
