Keeps your hand warm as well, excellent!
For a gift this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1
They suggest I keep this âexercise diaryâ to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. Sheâs something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavenâs sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didnât try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I canât imagine anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I canât help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word âdumbâ must be in there for a reason. I hid in the menâs room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I donât have triceps. And if you donât want dents in the floor donât hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldnât it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6
Got Tanyaâs message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, thatâs the week. Thank God thatâs over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free root canal at the dentistâs.
Dear Mum and Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm, tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone:
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you donât get out of bed until 6 in the morning, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform.
No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but itâs not too bad because thereâs hot water and a light to see what youâre doing.
For breakfast thereâs cereal, fruit and eggs but thereâs no fillet steaks or sausages. You donât get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are wrecked because weâve been on a âroute marchâ, which is just like walking to the well over the fields.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter, but I keep getting medals for shooting. I donât know why because the bullâs-eye is as big as a bloody bullâs head and it doesnât move and itâs not firing back at you like the Murphyâs did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - 'tis no problem. You donât even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes and you donât have to steady yourself against the wall when you reload.
Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy, itâs not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local lads all at once like we do.
Turns out Iâm not a bad boxer either, it looks like Iâm the best the platoonâs got. Iâve only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - heâs 6 foot 8 and 15 stone, so heâs a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I canât complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
SiobhĂ nâŚ
Constipation isnât my favourite health condition, but itâs a solid number 2.
Bastard! 
Even in the run-down UK thereâs still this:-
https://www.prospects.ac.uk/careers-advice/what-can-i-do-with-my-degree/history-of-art
